Daily prompt: Unsafe containers

Tags

eating disorders, emotions, postaday2014, stress

Which emotion(s) — joy, envy, rage, pity, or something else — do you find to be the hardest to contain?

I have become very good at masking stress, sadness or anger externally; however internally these negative emotions take their toll on me; in terms of my inclination to channel these negative emotions into making poor food choices. On the upside, I have over the years and a lot of soul searching, gotten better at not giving into those destructive urges. I have had a few epiphanies; the most profound is that even at my lowest weight, I was never happy with myself. The second epiphany is that I no longer have the will, the stamina or the discipline to actually be anorexic and thank goodness for that. That is probably the best thing to have happened to me during the process of getting older and wiser. The distorted imagery that resides in my brain hasn’t gone away, but my internal response system has become much more lax and my attitude is much more forgiving. I have to say that my forgiving attitude towards myself is a huge deal; it has helped me relax and have a nicer internal dialogue with myself. It is amazing just how much we actually talk to ourselves and how some of us are really, really mean to ourselves. It is scary because it is so one-sided and always harmful to the person and the saddest aspect is that the person never gets a proper defense against their internal prosecutor because in their mind they deserve their internal dialogue no matter how wrong-headed and undeserved it is. I am learning to be kinder to myself and my biggest aim in life is to have my two children be as kind to themselves as possible.

On the other hand, I have a very hard time containing feelings of intense joy, happiness or frivolity. I am famous for spontaneous outbursts of laughter. My daughter has recorded my laughter just because it makes her friends laugh; I think it’s because my laugh is full throated and sincere, not at all wishy-washy or half-hearted. My daughter has told me that whenever she and her friends are be upstairs in her room hanging out, a loud sound would interrupt their conversations and her friends would ask what that noise was and my daughter would matter of factly answer “oh that’s my maman” and they would start to laugh. Essentially my daughter was telling me that my laughter is contagious.

My husband has told me the same thing, but it’s kind of another thing when your daughter records your laughter for the sole purpose of having an instant laugh track. I love it. 😀

Daily prompt: Witness protection

Tags

postaday2014, scary, strangers, stress

When you do something scary or stressful — bungee jumping, public speaking, etc. — do you prefer to be surrounded by friends or by strangers? Why?

Aside from my husband; he’s allowed everywhere with me. I would rather do scary or stressful things in the midst of strangers because I keep a stiff upper lip far easier with strangers than if I am surrounded by friends or family. My friends and family would serve as too much of a distraction and that would pull the focus off the task at hand. I love my family and I love being with my friends, but since I don’t do stress or scary very well, I would much prefer the anonymity of strangers; no expectations, no pressure and no feedback.

I am writing this post envisioning the idea of bungee jumping and how if my family were present, I would not be handling the whole situation very well. I have a serious fear of heights and being surrounded by strangers might be the only way that I could focus my fear into a place where it would serve as adrenaline instead of a paralytic emotional response.

Some people do well with stress and scary situations; I unfortunately don’t, so I try to order my life in such a way as to mitigate the amounts of stress and scary that occur in my daily life.

Daily prompt: Close call

Tags

health, postaday2013, stress, writing

Tell us about a bullet you’re glad you dodged — when something awful almost happened, but didn’t.

I count myself very lucky that even though it has been unbelievably uncomfortable and stressful, that each mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy have been negative for cancer. I also count myself lucky that despite having the most annoying and spastic esophagus, I don’t have alchalasia, which is when the gateway between the stomach and the esophagus no longer functions properly and food doesn’t get pushed into the stomach and instead gets regurgitated, the tests that I went through to find out the good news, took an entire weekend, that alone was a tad surreal, but it was good news nonetheless.

These are just two bullets that I have most recently dodged, I have to say that while you are going through any stressful situation, it just plain stinks, it’s only after the bullet has been successfully dodged, that you can look back and either view it with humor or at least minimize it so it becomes manageable. Either way it is far better than to keep reliving the stress of it all.

I’m happy to see it as more adventures to write about, medical procedures can be awfully interesting, especially if you have ever had aspirations to become a nurse or a doctor and you aren’t queasy around bodily fluids. Thankfully I fit the bill and I am sincere when I say that I am grateful that I am not in the least bit queasy and I have a great deal of interest in medical procedures because that has gotten me through so many.

Stress, stress go away…

Tags

ice cream, overeating, postaday2012, stress

• Calgon, take me away…
• 163/365

  What do I do? I do what I know that I shouldn’t do, I eat ice cream. A little ice cream never hurts but I take it to the extreme. I can easily eat a carton of ice cream while watching t.v, I know that I am going to do it and at that moment in time, I don’t care. Am I proud of this? No, but as long as I am mindful and don’t do it everyday perhaps one of these days I will find something else to replace my ice cream affliction.

Countdown to France trip

Tags

France, plane, postaday2012, stress, travel

The in-thing to say, it seems nowadays, when pressure is tormenting you, is freaking me out. I never say it but today, as I was running down the list of things that need to be taken care of before my daughter and I embark on our own “Tour de France”, the phrase popped up in my mind. This is freaking me out. Actually that phrase does not adequately explain the feeling that I have going on in my abdomen, when time feels like it is running out and that in a few short days you will have to cede control of your dogs, house and plants to your eldest child.

The baby girl and I will be gone for 35 days and I have to make sure that the hatches have been battened down properly. I know that the eldest child will take wonderful care of Rex and Jack, he might not follow the exact routine that I have with the dogs, but they will be fine. Our baby boy loves both of them and he is great with pets. The plants will be something else, I’ll be writing down on the list “please water” and it will get done, just don’t know how often.

I have grudgingly come to admit today, as I was walking and thinking with Rex and Jack, that I do have a controlling part to my personality. That is the only way that I can explain why my stomach is in such a state of anxiety over not being here to take care of my garden, the house, my husband and the dogs. I must, in a hidden part of my psyche, have a need to have things done my way, how else to explain the tightness in my chest and the need to breathe deeply. It feels a little overwhelming and I know intellectually that everything is going to be alright and the baby girl will have a phenomenal time and this trip has been a long time in the making and it is very important that we go because my aunts and uncles are not getting any younger. Everyone has said hello to eighty years of age, so the time to see them is now. It’s just been so long since I have left my hubby for such a long time and my house and everything else that I take care of and do. It’s stressful and I think that I am babbling as I type this. All this angst is flowing out from my mind to my fingers onto the keyboard, a steady free flow of thought. Hopefully it will be cathartic and my anxiety will dissipate, wait, no it is still there. Anyway getting all this out of my mind and onto the page is good, I will sleep better tonight for this.

Who or what stresses you out the most?

Tags

postaday20122, pressure, stress

Who or what stresses you out the most?

June 15, 2012

So Stressful!

Pressure gauge

Me, I am the villain in this case. I can stress myself out in ways no one else would ever put me through. I think that in many ways, we are our own worst enemy. How many times have you agonized over a mistake, though unintended, a mistake nonetheless, and you find out the next day that in everyone else’s eyes, it wasn’t a big deal. That is what I am speaking to, the sometime unwarranted pressures and stringent standards we subject ourselves to, to our own detriment.