I don’t what is up with me today. I woke up this morning with a fleeting memory of a bad dream connected with my teenage years involving angst and turmoil. I’m unclear what it was about but it hasn’t led to a good feeling about myself. My hubby and I have had quite a few laughs despite my inner sadness which won’t shake off.
As I was walking the dog, I kept feeling these strong cravings, the sort that involve doing what my best friend and I used to do in high school, go to the corner deli and buy all the potato chip flavors they had, bottles of soda, cupcakes, ring dings, brownies and ding dongs and just pig out. These cravings come and I fight them off because I know that the only thing that I will feel after giving in will be complete and utter disgust at myself. So after I talk myself down from these cravings and responsibly waiting them out, they always die away after a good night’s sleep, I feel better. But before that, it isn’t pleasant because I find myself wishing that I were back in control like I used to be in my anorexic days. I always squash that thought because that is just bad, bad, bad. I would never want to go back to those days. I told my ob/gyn the other day that I was too tired to be a true anorexic. It takes a lot of energy and discipline to do it well. I’m just too tired and I have learned that no matter how much weight you lose, I will never be satisfied. I know because I lived it. I wasn’t satisfied at 110 lbs, or at 105 lbs or at 95 lbs or a even 87 lbs, I still thought that just five more pounds and I would be at the perfect weight. At that time I didn’t realize that there was never to be a perfect weight, it was never skinny enough. That realization is one that I came to when I got back to living with recovery and that took about two decades. Knowing that I will not be satisfied at weights that are unsustainable helps me to not engage in dangerous behavior such as restricting caloric intake or going nuts with the exercise. But it does make me infinitely sad that I will never be happy with what I look like, that I look in the mirror and all that I see is a distorted image of someone, who apparently only resides in my mind, and no matter what others say to me, I never believe them.
The good news is that this mood usually only lasts a day, once I sleep, I will wake up to a better mood, all this sadness probably fueled by hormones (I like to blame my hormones) will be forgotten. I am not joking, this will be forgotten and optimism will be at the helm once more.