Writer’s block?

Tags

depression, postaday2014, sadness, writing

Today is not about having writer’s block; it is about getting out from under the cloud of depression. Yesterday was a tough day; driving round trip to Boston and then dealing with my husband’s bout of food poisoning, laundry and remaking the bed, worrying about my husband’s well-being because whatever he ate while he was gone, made him very ill. I suppose between the physical fatigue and the emotional and mental worry, I woke up in a blanket of depression which is more often then not lying right beneath the surface.

I know that I am prone to depression chemically in my brain, it goes hand in hand with eating disorders, according to the literature, the experts aren’t sure which came first, the depression or the eating disorder; but there is a strong link between the two. I fight very hard not to let it overwhelm me and I stick to what works for me even when it might not be working at that very instance; I eat as healthy as possible, I walk as much as possible, I write every day, I take care of Jack, taking care of others is very important in keeping depression at bay, at least for me; it gives me a sense of purpose and it makes me feel good when I see my charges happy, well fed and thriving. I engage in my passions; cooking and baking as often as possible, but still sometimes all of that is not enough to keep the intense heavy fog from infiltrating my emotional recesses and engulfing me with its suffocating heaviness. Writing about it today is helping even if it isn’t going away right this second, it is best to get all of this off my chest rather than let it fester, where it can do unseen damage by lingering. My title of writer’s block was really about finding the courage to write about how badly I feel and sharing it, rather then not having anything to write about, that might often be the case with what one thinks of writer’s block.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am sure that tonight I will sleep much better. I foresee a brighter day and a brighter outlook.

Another resolution free New Year

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optimism, postaday2013, resolutions, sadness, writing

These past few days, I have been reading a lot about other people’s New Year’s resolutions. They are everywhere; in all of the magazines, a variety of Blogs and even the Huffington Post. I suppose that resolutions and “best of” lists go hand in hand this time of year. I stopped making resolutions a long time ago. It isn’t because I think that I have achieved everything that I need to be, far from it. I just never found that making resolutions worked for me. I would eventually forget that I had made them, and if you forget about making a resolution, then really, what is the point?

My battle with control over my tendencies to fall back into anorexic behavior isn’t something that I can leave up to a once a year reckoning. This is something that I must be mindful of at all times, it goes hand in hand with my tendency to lapse into depression. Though I have to acknowledge that finding WordPress has helped me keep my depressions at bay and I am grateful for it. I know that writing has given me an outlet and I have found solace through this outlet. I may never be a writer, but writing has given me so much that it doesn’t matter.

I think that I like reading about what other’s are resolved to accomplish because I am curious, plain and simple. I am curious as to what makes people tick and making resolutions is one part of it. I know that one of the most common New Year’s resolutions is to quit smoking, I quit 6 years ago on November 1st. I had tried quitting so many times before, I probably made a New year’s resolution at one point, only to probably break it within days, but the last time has stuck. I think that my past failures with the smoking thing may have influenced my personal jaded view of resolutions.

All I know is that I have found a few strategies that help me and they are easy enough; eat a good breakfast everyday, walk briskly for at least twenty minutes every day if possible, write every day and be mindful of how my emotional and mental state are holding up. I have found that as long as my spirits are up, I can do everything that I set my mind to. It is so weird, I truly believe that at my core, I am an optimist, but I have this small part of me that is so dark, sad and heavy and it sometimes takes so much work to make it stay locked away. I seriously hate that part of my psyche, I wish that I could just flush it out, but it doesn’t work that way. Thank goodness for writing, that’s all that I have to say.

Daily prompt: Connect the Dots

Tags

blogging, compassion, news stories, postaday2013, sadness, uplifting, writing

Scour the news for an entirely uninteresting story. Consider how it connects to your life. Write about that.

This prompt is almost implausible because part of the purpose of any news story is to make it interesting for the reader and if it isn’t, it doesn’t make it onto the page. Those spaces of blank paper are worth money, uninteresting doesn’t pay the bills. If there is an ounce of empathy or compassion in a person, any story will be interesting and can be connected to your life.

I spend hours every day reading about stories that impact others all over the world in a variety of ways and I am always interested because I do feel connected, we are all human and things do happen, no one is an island onto themselves and so the human experience is that bond that links us all. Which is why I really don’t understand hate and judgement, I can easily put myself in someone else’s shoes and so the thought of making someone feel pain or shame is hurtful to me.

I know what it’s like to be the target of bullies and hateful, judgmental people over things that are so silly, but since I know how it feels I would never ever want to be the one to cause another the anguish, sadness and fear that I felt at various times at school or outside after school.

I don’t even know how my thoughts came to this, unfortunately it seems that most news stories tend to cover our basest emotions, it is rare to read about the feel good stories unless you scour the papers for stories on baby animals and often those come with heartbreaking tales of abandonment, suffering and human cruelty towards the baby animals mother.

I would like to end this post on a happier note, I have found one newsletter that is forever uplifting, it is called Paris Breakfast and it is a daily newsletter written by an exceptionally talented water color artists Carol Gillot who paints Paris dreams of pastry, caramels and chocolates during her daily excursions out and about in Paris.
http://parisbreakfasts.blogspot.com/2013/11/fetish-ispahan.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ParisBreakfast+%28Paris+Breakfast%29
I highly recommend going and having a look see, it is a delight and will have you dreaming of delightful delectables.

The healing properties of cooking

Tags

cooking, darkness, food, optimism, postaday2013, sadness

I like to think of myself as an eternal optimist but this morning I woke up in an extraordinarily bleak mood. The darkness that engulfed me upon opening my eyes seemed to mirror the dark skies outside. I felt heavy and my morning coffee and oatmeal didn’t change it either; actually as I was reading the news of the day, I felt even more dismal. I got ready to go see my nurse practitioner for a follow up exam and when I was at the gas station filling up the car, I was thinking that I’m 45 years old and nothing is going to change, everyday will be the same; worrying about trivial and petty things that do seem to matter just the same, but in the grand scheme of things, shouldn’t life be deeper and bigger than that? Am I going to live my life just sweating the “small” stuff? That got me even more depressed, thinking that if I don’t get it in gear with my book, I might just miss the opportunity to leave something tangible of myself in this world. All this was rattling in my head as I was getting closer to my Ob/gyn’s office. When I went in for my follow up exam, my nurse practitioner examined me and said that everything seemed to have corrected itself and I was in better shape and my mammogram next month should verify that, but she said that I needed to keep my stress levels down.

After hearing this good news, my mood gradually lifted throughout the day and then it got much better when I started prepping dinner for my hubby who is coming home tonight. There is something so therapeutic about snapping string beans, chopping garlic, peeling and slicing potatoes. The smell of roast beef wafting though the house while at the same time the sound of drippings crackling pierces my thoughts, both act as a soothing balm to whatever worries me. By the end of today I will be right back where I ought to be, relaxed and looking forward to a new day.

The menu is a very simple one; roast beef studded with garlic cloves rubbed in salt and pepper, a potato gratin with heavy cream, Swiss cheese, salt, pepper and fresh nutmeg, broccoli rabe sautéed with garlic and parmesan cheese and red pepper flake (that’s for me) and string beans sautéed with slivered almonds and garlic. What is even better is that there will be left overs for the baby boy, so I don’t have to plan another menu for a day or so. Hooray!

When comfort food actually lives up to its name

Tags

comfort food, easy cooking, pasta, postaday2012, sadness

Yesterday after we came home after we put our Rex to sleep, the only dish that I could think to make for us was pasta carbonara. It is our ultimate comfort food dish, a hearty meal of pasta, bacon, eggs, Parmesan cheese and cream, good for the belly and good for the soul. It is also one of the easiest and fastest dishes to make, I had it made in under a half hour. After the rough three days of caring for Rex, I was too spent to make anything more complicated. I have to say that last night, the pasta carbonara did its job, nourished us and comforted us. We miss Rex.