Daily prompt: Moved to tears

Tags

crying, emotions, postaday2014, sentiments

Do movies, songs, or other forms of artistic expression easily make you cry? Tell us about a recent tear-jerking experience!

I have shed many a tear during movies, t.v shows and songs. The latest movie that squeezed a few tears from my eyes was Spider Man when Emma Stone’s character didn’t make it. I so did not want to cry during a Spider Man movie, but it was so sad, snif,snif, so sad.

I remember watching an old soap opera when I was 13 and staying at my grandmother’s house with my little sister; we were watching One Life to Live and Brad had just found out that the “daughter” that he shared with the love of his life, Jenny wasn’t his daughter after all, Jenny had lied to him for the little girl’s entire life of 5 years. Brad took the little girl’s picture and hugged it to his chest and broke down sobbing, falling to his knees, while the song by Joe Cocker “You are so beautiful to me” played in the background. I got up from the sofa and went behind the bookcase to sob my eyes out in private, it was so sad, poor Brad, poor little girl, it was heartbreaking. I have been a crybaby ever since.

Daily prompt: Unsafe containers

Tags

eating disorders, emotions, postaday2014, stress

Which emotion(s) — joy, envy, rage, pity, or something else — do you find to be the hardest to contain?

I have become very good at masking stress, sadness or anger externally; however internally these negative emotions take their toll on me; in terms of my inclination to channel these negative emotions into making poor food choices. On the upside, I have over the years and a lot of soul searching, gotten better at not giving into those destructive urges. I have had a few epiphanies; the most profound is that even at my lowest weight, I was never happy with myself. The second epiphany is that I no longer have the will, the stamina or the discipline to actually be anorexic and thank goodness for that. That is probably the best thing to have happened to me during the process of getting older and wiser. The distorted imagery that resides in my brain hasn’t gone away, but my internal response system has become much more lax and my attitude is much more forgiving. I have to say that my forgiving attitude towards myself is a huge deal; it has helped me relax and have a nicer internal dialogue with myself. It is amazing just how much we actually talk to ourselves and how some of us are really, really mean to ourselves. It is scary because it is so one-sided and always harmful to the person and the saddest aspect is that the person never gets a proper defense against their internal prosecutor because in their mind they deserve their internal dialogue no matter how wrong-headed and undeserved it is. I am learning to be kinder to myself and my biggest aim in life is to have my two children be as kind to themselves as possible.

On the other hand, I have a very hard time containing feelings of intense joy, happiness or frivolity. I am famous for spontaneous outbursts of laughter. My daughter has recorded my laughter just because it makes her friends laugh; I think it’s because my laugh is full throated and sincere, not at all wishy-washy or half-hearted. My daughter has told me that whenever she and her friends are be upstairs in her room hanging out, a loud sound would interrupt their conversations and her friends would ask what that noise was and my daughter would matter of factly answer “oh that’s my maman” and they would start to laugh. Essentially my daughter was telling me that my laughter is contagious.

My husband has told me the same thing, but it’s kind of another thing when your daughter records your laughter for the sole purpose of having an instant laugh track. I love it. 😀

A difficult state of mind

Tags

balance, discipline, emotions, negative, postaday2012, psychology, self esteem

I don’t what is up with me today. I woke up this morning with a fleeting memory of a bad dream connected with my teenage years involving angst and turmoil. I’m unclear what it was about but it hasn’t led to a good feeling about myself. My hubby and I have had quite a few laughs despite my inner sadness which won’t shake off.

As I was walking the dog, I kept feeling these strong cravings, the sort that involve doing what my best friend and I used to do in high school, go to the corner deli and buy all the potato chip flavors they had, bottles of soda, cupcakes, ring dings, brownies and ding dongs and just pig out. These cravings come and I fight them off because I know that the only thing that I will feel after giving in will be complete and utter disgust at myself. So after I talk myself down from these cravings and responsibly waiting them out, they always die away after a good night’s sleep, I feel better. But before that, it isn’t pleasant because I find myself wishing that I were back in control like I used to be in my anorexic days. I always squash that thought because that is just bad, bad, bad. I would never want to go back to those days. I told my ob/gyn the other day that I was too tired to be a true anorexic. It takes a lot of energy and discipline to do it well. I’m just too tired and I have learned that no matter how much weight you lose, I will never be satisfied. I know because I lived it. I wasn’t satisfied at 110 lbs, or at 105 lbs or at 95 lbs or a even 87 lbs, I still thought that just five more pounds and I would be at the perfect weight. At that time I didn’t realize that there was never to be a perfect weight, it was never skinny enough. That realization is one that I came to when I got back to living with recovery and that took about two decades. Knowing that I will not be satisfied at weights that are unsustainable helps me to not engage in dangerous behavior such as restricting caloric intake or going nuts with the exercise. But it does make me infinitely sad that I will never be happy with what I look like, that I look in the mirror and all that I see is a distorted image of someone, who apparently only resides in my mind, and no matter what others say to me, I never believe them.

The good news is that this mood usually only lasts a day, once I sleep, I will wake up to a better mood, all this sadness probably fueled by hormones (I like to blame my hormones) will be forgotten. I am not joking, this will be forgotten and optimism will be at the helm once more.

It’s my blog and I can …

Tags

blogs, complaints, emotions, personal, postaday2012, vent, writing

It’s my blog and I won’t cry because I don’t want to cry on my iPad but I can complain if I want to and rail if I want to. Today was the same old, same old; walking Jack, hauling firewood, doing the outside lights, putting away the big storage boxes, checking all of the lights. My hubby likes to have a light in each window, we have 30 windows, I gave up halfway through today, I’ll continue tomorrow. What I am really complaining about isn’t the activity, it’s my stupid, ugly, ugly, itchy cold sore and now I have the hives on my left arm which is itching and burning at the same time. I originally thought it was the Shingles, but honestly how many times can I have them? I am prone to hive outbreaks when I’m stressed so I am going with the hive diagnosis. But seriously why is my stress attacking me so viciously right now, it is seriously raining on my parade. I didn’t go the doctor because he’ll just say the same blah, blah; you already have an auto immune disease, rheumatoid arthritis and prednisone therapy on top of that makes your system vulnerable to any awakening of your dormant viruses; like I said, blah, blah and blah. This is most unpleasant.

On a brighter note, for tomorrow I made a butternut squash gratin. I peeled and chopped two big onions and, on low flame, sautéed them until they were golden soft. Before that I had roasted two butternut squash, split in half rubbed with olive oil and a few unpeeled garlic cloves hidden in the cleaned cavities, for an hour at 375 degrees, and when the onions were soft, I scooped out the flesh and threw it into the pot, I squeezed the roasted garlic out of their skins, I added a little bit of chicken stock, some thyme and some sage, salt and pepper. I mashed it all together, I also added some Parmesan cheese, just because, and I put it into a casserole dish, I grated a whole mess of Swiss cheese on top and put it into a 425 degree oven for twenty minutes. It looks pretty and the house smelled awesome.

Thank you for letting me vent, it felt good. Feel free to vent yourself if you need to down below in the comment section. Everyone needs to vent and if you can’t do it on your own blog, than where can you?