Writing for writing sake’s

Tags

discipline, postaday2013, therapeutic, therapy, writing

Today I wrote several more scenes further sending Madeleine closer to her overseas adventure. My book is coming along, I try not to get too impatient with myself, I know that I am taking forever with writing this book, but that is fine, for now. I also enjoy writing on my political blog and this one that you are reading right now. I guess that makes for quite a bit of writing. I enjoy it so much, often times I find it easier to express myself with writing then speaking. I can’t believe how quickly I got invested in writing, it came about very fluidly. I didn’t realize that I would make wonderful friends through writing. It didn’t occur to me, but in a sense it should have because we are all united in the common bond of writing and needing to express ourselves. It’s a great club to be a part of, it’s all-inclusive and without prejudice.

I am curious as to where my writing will lead me. It could be nowhere or somewhere, either way it will be here for when my children ever get curious as to what made their Maman tick. It is also a way for me to have a legacy, I suppose. My ego demands it hee, hee.

Discipline, a tough thing to maintain

Tags

discipline, postaday2013, self motivation, will power, writing

Discipline is difficult to maintain on a daily basis. I suppose that it goes hand in hand with self-motivation, both being traits that require continued mindfulness. I find that writing my book, more precisely finishing my book, is requiring a great deal more discipline that I am accustomed to following, I think that in this case the self-motivation is very tightly wound with the discipline and what I am wrestling with is more of the self-motivation than the discipline. I have always been able to maintain a highly disciplined work ethic, whether it be school or work, much of it was motivated by the absolute need to please. My book rests solely on me, I am the only motivating factor and I am finding myself sluggish in the discipline department.

I did work on my book today, my character and her best friend are getting spoiled by the dashing American beaux at Coco Chanel’s boutique. It’s a kind of bon voyage present for the girls. The countdown to the cross Atlantic Ocean voyage has started. Bonjour to New York in a few days.

I feel so exposed as a writer with my novel. I don’t think that I will ever write another book after this one is done. It feels as if I am being drained from my brain and siphoned into my book.

Back to keeping my nose to the grindstone.

A difficult state of mind

Tags

balance, discipline, emotions, negative, postaday2012, psychology, self esteem

I don’t what is up with me today. I woke up this morning with a fleeting memory of a bad dream connected with my teenage years involving angst and turmoil. I’m unclear what it was about but it hasn’t led to a good feeling about myself. My hubby and I have had quite a few laughs despite my inner sadness which won’t shake off.

As I was walking the dog, I kept feeling these strong cravings, the sort that involve doing what my best friend and I used to do in high school, go to the corner deli and buy all the potato chip flavors they had, bottles of soda, cupcakes, ring dings, brownies and ding dongs and just pig out. These cravings come and I fight them off because I know that the only thing that I will feel after giving in will be complete and utter disgust at myself. So after I talk myself down from these cravings and responsibly waiting them out, they always die away after a good night’s sleep, I feel better. But before that, it isn’t pleasant because I find myself wishing that I were back in control like I used to be in my anorexic days. I always squash that thought because that is just bad, bad, bad. I would never want to go back to those days. I told my ob/gyn the other day that I was too tired to be a true anorexic. It takes a lot of energy and discipline to do it well. I’m just too tired and I have learned that no matter how much weight you lose, I will never be satisfied. I know because I lived it. I wasn’t satisfied at 110 lbs, or at 105 lbs or at 95 lbs or a even 87 lbs, I still thought that just five more pounds and I would be at the perfect weight. At that time I didn’t realize that there was never to be a perfect weight, it was never skinny enough. That realization is one that I came to when I got back to living with recovery and that took about two decades. Knowing that I will not be satisfied at weights that are unsustainable helps me to not engage in dangerous behavior such as restricting caloric intake or going nuts with the exercise. But it does make me infinitely sad that I will never be happy with what I look like, that I look in the mirror and all that I see is a distorted image of someone, who apparently only resides in my mind, and no matter what others say to me, I never believe them.

The good news is that this mood usually only lasts a day, once I sleep, I will wake up to a better mood, all this sadness probably fueled by hormones (I like to blame my hormones) will be forgotten. I am not joking, this will be forgotten and optimism will be at the helm once more.

Change you can perhaps hope or believe in?

Tags

baking, change, discipline, food, postaday2012, time

• Make a list of things you’d like to change. Expand one or all of the point into a post. How do they inform one another? What connects them? What does that say about you?

• A List of Changes
• A list of things that I would like to change:
  Make time go slowly
  Lose my sweet tooth
  Bake more often
  Perfect my baking skills
  Achieve a more disciplined approach to everything
  There seems to be a common theme in the baking department. I love baking and having a lot of people to bake for would be fun. I don’t bake at home because someone has to eat it and I don’t want to be the one to eat all the goodies.
  Believe or not, I was trying to get outside of myself and think more globally such as climate change and world peace but as you can see, I didn’t get anywhere close to being that magnanimous. Oh well, I am a work in progress.

The need to create

Tags

blogs, discipline, postaday2012, writing

Last night I was lying in bed thinking about what to write today and if I didn’t feel better,  how was I going to write my post. As these thoughts were circling my mind, I started  wondering how other creative people dealt with being sick. When we were in Arles, we visited l’Espace Van Gogh, the center, or l’Espace, was the old hospital that housed Van Gogh when he initially cut his ear. I wasn’t equating my horrible feeling with poor Van Gogh’s mental illness or what I do with my writing in any way with Van Gogh’s genius in art but as much as he felt driven to paint, I feel the need to write everyday, regardless of whether it is read by others or not. This connection if you will, continued with my mind going through a list of other creative forces in history.

Stephen King was laid up a few years ago when he was accidentally struck by a car near his home in Maine, he managed to produce a script for a television show prompted by his accident and the subsequent time he spent hospitalized by his accident. I watched it that year and it was quite spooky and scary, it was quintessential Stephen King, his imagination on a good day is something of a force of nature so when it has been traumatized by an accident, it is really way intense. The list went on to Ludwig van Beethoven who felt compelled to write music despite going progressively deaf, I then touched on Amadeus Mozart who also suffered from both mental and physical illness.

These thoughts basically rocked me to sleep, my line of thinking did give me something to write about, the need to put thoughts down on “paper” even when I don’t feel well. Would I put this much effort into doing the dishes? No, today I prioritized, I took care of Rex and Jack; walking them, giving Rex his medications, feeding them and I will walk them again before the evening is over. I roasted two chickens and a big bunch of potatoes so that everyone had a nice dinner and I have left-overs for a few days.

The housework can wait until I am back to normal, rest and rest are the things I need and my creative outlet of writing. Another benefit of technology is that my IPad is portable and I can curl up in bed with it, instead of sitting in front of my computer.