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I have been able to put my cancer diagnosis and treatment experience out of my mind for the most part. However, this morning I realized that my PET scan is next Thursday, it came up so quickly, I hate when time gets away from me. My stomach started churning in anxiety mode, which if anyone has experience with anxiety, they know it isn’t pleasant at all. I’m trying to think of things that will banish the worries and the uncertainty that I have with the results of my treatment. One never knows if chemo and radiation did what they were supposed to do, eradicate the cancer, what if they only did most of what they were supposed to do? The results hinge on how thorough the chemo and radiation treatments were, there has to be nothing left for it to be considered a success. I don’t feel 100% better, I feel 65% better, I know it is still soon and I should expect to feel horrible at certain times and it is at those times that I feel most vulnerable to my feelings of anxiety. It makes sense, we are always more susceptible to feelings of depression and anxiousness when we are in pain, fatigued or both and I am both. I never realized how hard this journey could be or would be, I have such admiration for everyone who has triumphed over cancer, their strength and determination are testament to their character. I have tried to be strong but there are days when it seems impossible, today I am fighting against it and writing about it is helping; getting my bad feelings out onto the page gives me strength and renews my innate optimism.
laurieanichols 