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Isn’t the snow so pretty? I spent about two hours shoveling outside and it was a pretty good workout. The snow was perfectly light and fluffy, very easy on the back, I was mindful the entire time; bending at the knees and using my core muscles. I spent the entire time in deep thought, most of which I have forgotten except for why I was shoveling in the first place even though I have the worst cold in the world. My thoughts were going every which way, at least I was sweating out my cold which led me to think of my father who swore by a good old fashioned hot grog full of armagnac, enough to kill any cold dead, really dead, which got me back to why did I feel the crazy need to shovel when I should be in bed, because I have been feeling fat lately which led me to thinking I always feel fat, no matter what I look like, which led me to the fact that at 134 lbs I am not fat, but I am heavier than normal and with being menopausal, it is harder losing weight which stinks, which led me to thinking that with all of the healthy things that I eat, I should feel really good about myself and I don’t, which is why being in recovery for an eating disorder is still a lot of work mentally and emotionally. Why am I so vain???!!!!!
Well an eating disorder is not about vanity per se, it is much bigger than that; it is really about self-worth, control or loss of control, dealing with change that is bigger than you and a ton of other things that exist very deep within your psyche. No matter how faithfully I tend to my regimen of writing, reading, cooking, tending to my plants and my family, I am still plagued by these demons. I have read that my age group of 40’s to 50’s has a tendency to fall back into the eating disorder rut due to an upheaval of those crazy hormones. I suppose that this is a ride that I am going to have to weather and as long as I remain mindful, I will be fine”ish”.
laurieanichols 
It is good that you are aware of how you feel and the patterns of your own thoughts and tendencies. I am still learning!
Thanks Sandra; it still a work in progress as you well know and we will continue learning as we go. Hey if we didn’t learn, we wouldn’t grow and that would be sad. 🙂
It is difficult to change a self image. However, you have to remember that so many people love you and admire you. They can’t be all wrong! Anyway, you are beautiful inside AND out!
Sweetie I am so blessed to have you as a friend and your words touch my heart. Thanks June! 😀 Hugs
Writing about it may help, especially in such a public way.
That is why I do it, I read somewhere that the cold light of day drives away the demons, the darkness and takes any power that they may have over you away. Writing about it also reduces the enormity of the thing that lives in my mind down to a manageable size. It also keeps me honest and on my toes.