The in-thing to say, it seems nowadays, when pressure is tormenting you, is freaking me out. I never say it but today, as I was running down the list of things that need to be taken care of before my daughter and I embark on our own “Tour de France”, the phrase popped up in my mind. This is freaking me out. Actually that phrase does not adequately explain the feeling that I have going on in my abdomen, when time feels like it is running out and that in a few short days you will have to cede control of your dogs, house and plants to your eldest child.
The baby girl and I will be gone for 35 days and I have to make sure that the hatches have been battened down properly. I know that the eldest child will take wonderful care of Rex and Jack, he might not follow the exact routine that I have with the dogs, but they will be fine. Our baby boy loves both of them and he is great with pets. The plants will be something else, I’ll be writing down on the list “please water” and it will get done, just don’t know how often.
I have grudgingly come to admit today, as I was walking and thinking with Rex and Jack, that I do have a controlling part to my personality. That is the only way that I can explain why my stomach is in such a state of anxiety over not being here to take care of my garden, the house, my husband and the dogs. I must, in a hidden part of my psyche, have a need to have things done my way, how else to explain the tightness in my chest and the need to breathe deeply. It feels a little overwhelming and I know intellectually that everything is going to be alright and the baby girl will have a phenomenal time and this trip has been a long time in the making and it is very important that we go because my aunts and uncles are not getting any younger. Everyone has said hello to eighty years of age, so the time to see them is now. It’s just been so long since I have left my hubby for such a long time and my house and everything else that I take care of and do. It’s stressful and I think that I am babbling as I type this. All this angst is flowing out from my mind to my fingers onto the keyboard, a steady free flow of thought. Hopefully it will be cathartic and my anxiety will dissipate, wait, no it is still there. Anyway getting all this out of my mind and onto the page is good, I will sleep better tonight for this.