I’m still trying to lose 5 to 10 pounds which I know is not something that I should be fooling around with, given my history with anorexia, but I am being very mindful about it. I go for my 50 minutes walks as often as I can, when I don’t do the walk, I just make sure that I am active in another way so I don’t obsess on the lack of exercise that day. I am also very conscious of what I choose to eat, whole grains, fruits and vegetables and good protein. When I do eat ice cream or drink chocolate shakes I really try not to beat myself up over it. It is hard, I know that I have to tread carefully with this but I do feel better when I am lighter.
I live with the ghost of the disease anorexia, I don’t have a choice. I call it the ghost because I’m not actively anorexic, but the psychological scars are there and influence how I think of weight, how I see myself and I interact with food and exercise. One of these days, perhaps I will successfully lose the ghost of anorexia that continues to haunt me. It would be nice. Twenty years ago, when I was struggling with full-blown anorexia, I honestly thought that in twenty years the superficial concerns of weight and thinness would be of no importance to me. Ha, was I wrong. I still fret about how I look twenty years later. I’ve come to the stark realization that in twenty years I will still be concerned with my weight, it doesn’t go away. What I can do, is continue being mindful of doing the healthy thing for my body and mind, at the same time not let it take control of me. A balancing act at times, especially in times of stress, but I can say comfortably that with the passage of time it gets more manageable.
The reason why I thought that I would no longer be obsessed with weight when I got older was that I didn’t quite understand the true nature of anorexia. The weight loss is a symptom of the disease, the core of the disease is all about control and battle against loss of control. When one feels that everything in their life is either spiraling out of control or beyond their control, they latch onto the one thing that they feel in control of, their weight. This is precisely why an anorexic relapses during times of change and turmoil. I am dealing with stress by keeping to healthy routines and I have found positive ways to deal with change and stress. So, this is one of the aspects of my life that I work on and try to keep in balance. I am happy to say that writing is a very therapeutic tool that I now have been using daily since the start of the year and it has made such a difference. These habits are very beneficial for me and I’m happy to follow them.